The Truth about should I stay or should I go?
The proverbial question that I hear over and over in my practice. This question is so black and white and deserves our attention and awareness to the level we are capable. However when we are contemplating whether to leave a relationship, another question that could be asked is “Where am I not showing up as fully as I can be?” and “Is there a part of me that is unmet and triggered in this relationship which is having me want to run?” There are many layers to these questions and at times we will see our complaints and dilemmas in black and white – (All you ambivalents out there – I’m talking to you! I am one of you!) however it is anything but that. Our truth is intricately and deeply woven into the fabric of who we are – all that makes us unique and different from one another; Yet, are we really that different from one another? I personally have found comfort in knowing that I really am no different from anyone else in that I experience a rainbow of emotions on any given day, I experience conflict, and I have had my share of trauma. What I find fascinating is that the complexity of the many layers for each of us is different for each of us based on our experiences to date. We humans go through life, experiencing ourselves and bumping up against ourselves in ways that cause us pain and it is through this pain that we are able to come to our truth. This truth will lead you to your greatest joys in life and if you compare yourself to others it will lead you to your greatest suffering. This truth has the ability to set you free no matter which path you choose. What are you setting yourself free from? You may want to blame the relationship you are in, and I hate to break it to you, but the truth is that you are the one keeping yourself in misery, jailed, walled off and far from your deepest joys. Why? Lets talk about “being enough”.
Are you good enough to have what you want? Are you good enough to be in a relationship that is undeniably fulfilling? I didn’t say easy! What lies dormant in our relationship woes is the burning question “Am I enough” – damn! I’m haunted by this question. I’m guessing your next question for me is: How will I know when I am enough? I’m still working that one out, and I’ll do my best.
I am enough when I let myself have a voice even though it causes conflict in my relationship. I am enough when I am angry. I am enough when I am afraid. I am enough when I am in love. I am enough when I am in joy. I am enough when I have agency over myself and how I treat myself and others in my life. I am certainly enough when others tell me I’m not. We are all enough – inherently enough – we were born this way. Someone else’s judgment is their own shame of not being enough – dang!
Most importantly, in my experience, I feel freedom and ease in my being when I let go of the strong hold of not being enough by becoming aware first and then owning my judgments, my resentments, my blame, my shame and my guilt.
Still contemplating should I stay or should I go? Ask yourself this: “Am I in service to myself and my partner in this relationship, (in other words am I growing)? Is this relationship growing? Am I having fun? Do I like who I am when I am with this person? Am I willing? Do I know somewhere deep down my partner is willing? I’m not talking every minute of every day – geez people! Can you find a yes to any of these questions in the last 6 months to a year? If you could NOT answer yes to at least one of these questions, HOW MUCH DO YOU LOVE YOURSELF?
When you truly become aware of the power and magnificence that is your natural state of being in the world, you will set your partner free from the jail you put yourself in by staying somewhere you are not happy, which most definitely plays a factor in holding your partner back from connecting to you and knowing you fully. When it comes to the decision to stay or to go – It is a matter of choosing LOVE or FEAR – A choice of Love is I choose “me” – I am leaving nothing more to do here and I love myself and my partner enough to move on. Love can also look like this: I am staying with the willingness to grow through my resentments and judgments and truly experience myself through the eyes of my partner. When we choose Fear, I choose to stay even though I know I don’t want to be with this person, but I am afraid to hurt them or I am afraid to be alone so I don’t choose “me”, I leave myself to not hurt my partner and I end up hurting myself.
Would you like help in your relationship? Would you like help clearing any judgments or resentments that have accumulated in your relationship? How about building so much damn self esteem that you only have one choice and that is to choose “You”. I would be delighted to help you on this journey. Are you willing?
I AM ENOUGH
I am enough when I let myself have a voice even though it causes conflict in my relationship.
I am enough when I am angry.
I am enough when I am afraid.
I am enough when I am in love.
I am enough when I am in joy.
I am enough when I have agency over myself and how I treat myself and others in my life.
I am certainly enough when others tell me I’m not.
We are all enough – inherently enough – we were born this way.